Weekend Edition: The many Beards of Wall Street
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4. Procter & Gamble (PG)

Although there are different camps with respect to hygiene in the bearding community, one company has the market cornered on high class beard care, Procter & Gamble. With brands like Gillette and Braun, PG is the place that bearders go after they had to explain to their wife that being an hour late was a direct result of misplacing car keys in a grossly unkempt beard.

3. Avon Products (AVP)

An unfortunate necessity of any top ten beard list is the mention that beard wearing for women has yet to gain acceptance. This unfortunate reality only amplifies as beard popularity grows. Such is the inverse relationship between the feminine hair removal industry and the eventual celebration and rejuvenation of male bearding. Nobody does hair removal like AVP (you can't invest in grisly gas barbeque lighting accidents), making this stock an excellent bearding play.

2. Oracle Corp. (ORCL)

Larry Ellison is the bearded prince of the kingdom Beardmania. All hail.

1. Lincoln National (LNC) - The name Lincoln defines modern beard wear. He is the gold standard, the Michael Jordan of facial hair. Lincoln also represents the only publicly traded company that proudly displays a beard on its very logo. Emancipate yourself some value with the ultimate beard play: American history's greatest, scraggliest, and wisest beard. As Lincoln would have most assuredly said about this list: "A face unbearded cannot stand."

Unfortunately, it may be too late, as sage beard wearing equity analysts at huge hedge funds may have already factored beard resurgence into the price of these stocks. The Beard Portfolio is up 15% YTD as of last Friday's close, doubling the S&P return.

Tragically, the author is short the ability to grow a beard, but has a long position in respect for Cramer's subtle ode to bearding.

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Article written by: Ben Ruddy
Article posted on: October 6th, 2006